Ode to Lost Connections
Dearest,
I have never been this terrified.
I knew I was scared of heights. I knew I was scared of that nauseating sensation when you stand midair, 80 feet from the ground and then you suddenly come rushing down without stopping. Bam! Hitting the ground, you end up with broken bones, shattered limbs and a bruised heart.
It was my fault for being careless and acting as if I have an endless shield around my core. It was my fault for recklessly tossing my hopes too high when you made it clear again and again that I.. am just a friend. I thought it was enough that I had so much love to give that I need not ask.
And then it happened again.
At once, you've become so easy and hard to love. Just when I thought you were slowly unfolding and opening up, you suddenly built your walls up high again. I was pushed away and I have no clue how to get back in. There was no door, no windows for me to peep through your thoughts. (I was too paranoid to even function and you have grabbed every opportunity to lose me.)
I want to believe that I tried to protect you the best I could. I shut my mouth and wept alone. I tried to forget I even have a friend to share my struggles to, because I did not want her to know. I have allowed people to think that I'm shallow for even grieving. But they don't know what you are to me.
(You said it was nice-su of me. And you laughed. Understandable. My feelings were a damn joke. cue the laugh track)
I did what we agreed, at least. You're safe, at least. You're still you, at least. Unharmed. A nice guy. A good friend.
I'm still longing for you, but I'm still scared and I'm still paranoid. You're a good person. But loving you can be very, very terrifying. I wish I knew how to become a friend without getting hurt. But fuck me and fuck my faith in you and fuck all the lies I tried feeding myself.
All I wanted was to be loved by you.