I Lost My Baby in A Fever Dream
And I woke up with a dream-induced postpartum melancholia.
Catholic wedding. The bride in her mantilla veil. Angelic. Glowing. Looked very much like an Asian Virgin Mary. The entourage was at the furthest back end of the church. We all faced the entrance door, watching the angel bride cry happy tears.
There's no sight of the groom, just a few people scattered around the church, all eyes on the bride like she was the sole art in a cathedral-size museum.
At the entourage seats, some guy was singing along with the choir. He turned his head around, looked at me as if serenading. I'm not sure if we finished the ceremony.
The bridesmaids and I went shopping for clothes at a thrift store. I bought something else. It turned dark outside and we rushed to the door. I asked them to wait because I left my stuff at the counter.
They didn't hear me. I remember picking up a vintage doll.
Somebody else was waiting, a familiar face. I was in Alfonso all of a sudden. I jokingly told her "Iniwan ako ng mga kasama ko."
"Ang tagal kong hinintay, na magpakumbaba ka," she said.
And as if she had ghost feet, she ran straight to the bus stop and swiftly so.
"Hindi kita iniiwasan ah! Malakas lang talaga yung hangin!" I shouted her way as the wind pushed me past her. I left and allowed the wind to guide me further.
A tricycle stopped by, the driver offering me a ride. I sat behind him, securing the shopping bag in my lap. And there he was, in all his glory -- my baby boy, lying happily in my arms.
It was really windy, and in just a matter of seconds, my baby fell ill. I wiped the matcha-colored cereal snot coming out of his nostrils. The driver asked that we stop over because he had to change clothes. He saw my sick baby and said "Ma'am, iba na sakit nya."
I sat there waiting with my baby in my arms. I pulled out my phone to try and find out what illness he had but instead, I ended up staring at pictures of nature and the moon. I noticed the weight dropping, I looked around and still no driver in sight. What's worse, there's no baby too.
I searched and searched, went to the other side of the road and found a woman sweeping her front yard. "Nakita nyo po ba yung baby ko? Nawawala po yung baby ko," I asked her, crying.
"Kasalanan mo yan. Cellphone ka kasi nang cellphone," she said mockingly.
"Tulungan nyo ko, yung baby ko nawawala!" I wailed and stopped at every house but to no avail. I came across another old lady but she shushed me.
"Ang ingay mo."
My cries intensified. I wailed and I begged and I didn't care for the disturbance. I desperately wanted my baby back.
I woke up to a stabbing headache and a heart that grieved for a child that never was. I birthed and lost a baby in a fever dream and felt like I was going insane. I remember the feeling of holding him in my arms, my poor baby. He felt real.
These vivid dreams and alternate universes. Why do they punish me so?